In the context of social justice, the term ‘ally’ is typically used to refer to those who support marginalized groups to which the ally does not belong directly*. But simply calling oneself an ally does not necessarily mean one is being an ally (i.e., one can talk the talk without walking the walk). Each week, the CIE newsletter includes a short tip about how to “do allyship”, i.e., specific steps you can take to create a more equitable and inclusive campus for colleagues. These are collected here for continued reference. Please feel free to send your own ideas and suggestions to cie@sdsu.edu.

* Anyone, of any background or identity, can be an ally to others. Even if you are from an under-represented group yourself, there is still much you can do to be an ally to others.

12/15/23

Take care of yourself. We have likely all heard it, even if we’ve never been on a plane: ‘put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others with theirs’ as a reminder that if you can’t breathe yourself, you won’t be much good to anyone else. Similarly, if you are stretched too thin or feeling burnt out, it’s hard to find the energy to support others. So as we head into the winter break, be sure to find ways to rest and recharge. Check out some of these resources with strategies to prevent burnout and build resilience (including an article on Why Taking Vacation Time Could Save Your Life).

12/8/23

Be humble and remain open to learning. Someone recently commented that telling someone they are / have said something racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. is a fast way to close down a conversation because anyone on the receiving end of such a remark is just going to get mad and defensive. While that may be true for many people, someone who is trying to be an ally could instead choose to learn from the situation. This article with 9 Phrases Allies Can Say When Called Out Instead of Getting Defensive has many excellent suggestions for more productive responses.

12/1/23

Respect others’ celebrations. This time of year is full of celebrations but not everyone recognizes the same holidays or celebrates in the same ways. If you know the specific holiday(s) that someone celebrates, being specific can be a way of showing your respect for their traditions; if you do NOT know, wishing someone ‘happy holidays’ is generally a safe option and more respectful than making assumptions. For more information on celebrations of different cultures, be sure to bookmark the Center for Intercultural Relation’s Interfaith Calendar.

11/17/23

Be an upstander. When we witness biased speech or conduct and do not take action, we not only fail to support our community but perpetrators may incorrectly believe they are in the majority / have done nothing wrong. Often, those targeted report feeling doubly harmed, first because of the direct incident itself and then additionally because no one who was present stepped up to help in any way. This intervention does not mean you need to directly confront the harasser or put yourself in harm’s way; there are many other ways to help, such as simply checking in with the person being harassed. See this toolkit page for more resources and/or attend a CIE workshop to develop and practice your upstander skills.

11/3/23

Know (and share) our campus Principles of Community. Adopted last year, SDSU’s Principles of Community reflects the ideals we are encouraged to uphold in our interactions with one another. These principles are not official SDSU policy, nor do they replace existing policies, procedures or codes of conduct, but they serve as an affirmation of the unique value each member of the SDSU community holds, and as a guide for our personal and collective behavior. You can affirm your own commitment to the principles by posting them in your office and sharing them with students and colleagues.

10/27/23

Be proactive by being a sponsor as well as a mentor. In academia, we often talk about mentoring, whether we mean mentoring students, junior colleagues, or staff we supervise. Traditionally, mentoring refers to advising and supporting someone, usually with less experience than ourselves. However, there are times when we have opportunities to go beyond just support to be a sponsor, someone who actively advocates for someone else. One way this distinction is often explained is that mentors talk with you while sponsors talk about you. Sponsoring someone could mean nominating them for an award or open position, but can also be as simple as praising their skills to others.

10/20/23

Decorate inclusively. With several widely-celebrated holidays coming up, the fall and winter tend to be a time when offices may decorate with season-specific items. Please keep in mind that not everyone celebrates the same holidays or in the same ways so such decor may inadvertently cause some colleagues to feel less included. Some alternatives to office-wide holiday decorations might include decor related to the seasons (e.g., leaves for fall, snowflakes for winter, etc.), or inviting people to decorate their personal spaces in ways that best represent their identities and keeping shared spaces like front desks more neutral, perhaps with SDSU-branded items. You could also create a space, such as a google form or jamboard, where colleagues can provide suggestions for inclusive decorations and make sure that the decor is changed often to reflect different preferences. Have other suggestions, or want more ideas? Please add them to this jamboard!

10/13/23

Two weeks ago in this space, we encouraged allies to stay informed about local and national news, particularly events that may impact marginalized communities. Sadly, the heinous October 7 attack by Hamas on Israel, and the violence in the days since, is a horrific example of such a situation, one that calls for all allies to be extra-aware of the stress and anguish many of our students and colleagues may be experiencing. In addition, as an academic community, we know that it is possible to engage in civil discourse even when in vehement disagreement; however, the current situation is one that is fraught with a long history of political conflict that makes such discourse incredibly challenging. We urge all members of the SDSU community to prioritize compassion and empathy, and to focus on our shared humanity (and keep in mind that spending too much time on social media may not be helpful!). This article on Discussing the Israel-Palestine Conflict in the Classroom has some good suggestions for questions you may wish to consider before engaging in discussion with anyone, as well as additional resources for learning. The team in the Center for Inclusive Excellence is also standing by to provide a listening ear for anyone who may need it.

10/6/23

Practice micro-affirmations. Sometimes the littlest things can make a big difference. Micro-affirmations are small behavioral shifts that communicate your care and support for others. These can include showing praise and appreciation in the ways that people prefer, nodding or other body language that shows you are actually listening when someone else is speaking (keeping in mind cultural differences in how this may be expressed), or simply checking in with someone you know may be extra-stressed. Have other examples, or want more ideas? Please add them to this jamboard!

9/29/23

Stay informed about local and national news, particularly events that may impact marginalized communities. Some folks have the privilege of being able to ignore the seemingly never-ending stream of depressing / distressing stories that can fill our news sources. But as allies, it is important that we stay apprised of what is happening in the world, particularly so that we are aware of when our students and colleagues may need extra support. This may be particularly important as we go into a challenging election year: the country has already seen an increase in violence targeting marginalized communities over the last several years and many signs indicate that it will get worse in 2024. See the CIE resources for When Hate Happens for additional guidance.

9/22/23

Update templates with new SDSU logo. As mentioned in last week’s newsletter, symbols matter. There are many in our Indigenous communities who see the old SDSU logo, featuring Hepner Hall, as a reminder of the missionary colonization that displaced them from their native homes. If you have not yet updated your templates for documents, slides, etc., with the new logo, doing so is a small and easy step to reinforce your allyship.

9/15/23

Be visible. Many SDSU faculty and staff already display visual evidence of their allyship, whether that is logos from campus Ally programs on office doors, stickers from organizations like ADL, the Human Rights Campaign, etc., or other symbols like rainbow flags and BLM posters. While these symbols are sometimes seen as performative if they are not backed up with correspondingly inclusive behavior, they can serve an important purpose in letting students and colleagues know your values and intentions. You can take that a step further by showing up at campus events sponsored by the Community Centers, ERGs, and other offices promoting and celebrating our diverse campus culture.

9/8/23

Join an Employee Resource Group (ERG). Employee Resource Groups (ERG’s) are designed to build an inclusive environment for employees from various employment groups, with particular attention to employees from historically underrepresented and underserved backgrounds. ALL ERGs are inherently inclusive; while their mission might focus on the cultural issues of a particular group of people around a shared identity, all are welcome! SDSU’s eighteen ERGs all encourage participation from anyone in the SDSU community. They especially welcome “allies” from groups that claim other social identities but who share the same commitment, values, and goals as the members of the particular ERG.

9/1/23

Stop using masculine language as generic. Instead of ‘man the table/desk/line’, use ‘staff’, ‘monitor’, ‘work at’. Instead of role-man (chairman, policeman, etc.), simply drop the ‘man’ and/or use the role by itself (chair, police officer). Instead of ‘ladies and gentlemen’, use ‘people’, ‘folks’, ‘everyone’. For additional suggestions, see the American Philosophical Association’s Guidelines for Non-Sexist Use of Language.

8/25/23

Be more inclusive by periodically analyzing your department policies and processes. Take a close look at both the written and unwritten rules that govern your department and imagine that you are encountering them for the first time. Where did these policies come from? Who are these rules intended to protect and from whom might they present challenges? How might these policies impact people of different identities? To what extent do they foster, or hinder, an inclusive environment?

8/18/23

Be proactive by knowing what resources are available to support students and colleagues. It can be useful to know what resources the SDSU community has available when extra support is needed, whether for yourself or to share with others. Instructors can add this page into their Canvas courses to provide students with a comprehensive set of academic and personal resources. Employees, whether faculty and staff, can access these resources for support around their own health and well-being.

8/11/23

Be proactive by establishing community agreements for the semester. Whether you are leading a meeting among colleagues or a discussion among students, having some ground rules for interaction can help ensure that those conversations stay productive. The beginning of the semester is a good time to discuss what those norms will look like. See the JEDI Toolkit page Setting the Stage for more information about how to do this, or CIE’s Facilitator Guide for Diversity Conversations for resources to support smoothly discussions in general.

8/4/23

Be an ally by doing something. One of the challenges of allyship can be feeling overwhelmed by all that we know we could/should be doing. It is important not to let the perfect be the enemy of the good and to remember that trying to do something is almost always better than standing by and doing nothing. When that something is imperfect, it can still be an opportunity to learn so you can do better next time. “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” - Lao Tzu

7/28/23

Be identity-conscious by not conflating Jews with Israel’s leaders or policies. In the United States, a common form of implicit bias is to assume everyone from a given identity group thinks or feels the same way. For American Jews, this often includes assumptions that they all feel similarly about Israel, Zionism and the Palestinian conflict. Often reinforced by dangerous political rhetoric, this can manifest in hateful acts of antisemitism. The reality is that, like most social identity groups, there is great diversity among Jews, including in their views about Israel. Understanding and respecting this diversity is important for all allies, particularly given recent world events. See the JEDI Toolkit page for Jewish Heritage Month for additional information, including the recording and slides from a 2021 teach-in about antisemitism.

7/21/23

Be more inclusive by going beyond compliance. There are many laws and policies designed to ensure we all can enjoy a safe work environment, with the access needed to do our jobs. However, allies should consider those laws and policies as only a starting point and be proactive about going beyond compliance to actual inclusion. For example, while buildings and rooms may be technically accessible to those with mobility issues, the way furniture is arranged can mean some colleagues may not actually be able to move easily through the space or fully participate in activities.

7/14/23

Learn about the Two-Spirit Community. In some spaces, you may have started noticing the addition of '2S' to the acronym used to refer to sexual orientation and gender identity (e.g., 2SLGBTQIA+). 2S stands for Two-Spirit and is an identity that some Indigenous people use for a person who identifies as having both a masculine and a feminine spirit, to describe their sexual, gender and/or spiritual identity. Non-Indigenous people should not utilize this term for themselves; Two-Spirit is an identity that belongs solely to Indigenous people. However, as with any umbrella term, not everyone within the community necessarily identifies with it or uses it in the same way. See the resources from the Pride Center to help allies learn more about this identity and about the change in the acronym.

6/30/23

Be more inclusive by using images that show a range of identities. Using images in your lecture slides or meeting presentations is a great practice but you also want to make sure those images promote inclusion, not perpetuate inequities. The next time you need a stock image, consider checking out one of these sites, curated by Better Allies, that have stock photos and illustrations featuring people from underrepresented groups (some are free, and some for a fee).

6/16/23

Offer support, not excuses. When we have inadvertently done or said something hurtful, or when someone confides in us about something hurtful that they have experienced, it can be tempting to downplay the harm and to try to convince the other person that they “should” not feel what they feel. Even if your intentions are good, this form of gaslighting is not helpful and often magnifies the harm. Instead, consider simply acknowledging the other person’s experience and offering support; e.g., “I’m sorry, that sounds terrible. What can I do to support you?”

Spring 2023

5/19/23

Remember that COVID is not ‘over’, especially for more vulnerable populations. While many people are happy to put their masks away and get back to in-person operations, there are also many who still live with a high risk of complications if they were to contract COVID or other viruses. We all need to continue to show our care for our colleagues by getting boosters, wearing masks and staying home when we are sick, and encouraging the same of others.

5/5/23

Be aware that well-intended assumptions are still assumptions. In our desire to be allies, we can sometimes try to help someone without realizing that we are making assumptions about the help that they want or need. Instead, we can and should simply ask people how we can best support them.

4/28/23

Be vigilant about applying different standards to people of different identities. The big March basketball story in San Diego may have been SDSU’s historic run to the finals but elsewhere, the story around Angel Reese and Caitlin Clark got a lot of attention. Reese (who is Black) was criticized while Clark (who is white) was praised, for essentially the same behavior. Such differential standards are commonly applied to women and people of color, who can be labeled ‘aggressive’ or ‘bossy’ while white men are seen as ‘confident’ for the same behavior. Allies should consider carefully whether one’s judgment of behavior is being applied equally to all.

4/21/23

Use alternatives to asking people to ‘please stand up’. We are in the time of year when a lot of people are being recognized in appreciation of their work. It is not uncommon for the speaker at such events to ask people to ‘please stand to be recognized’. Unfortunately, this may exclude any colleagues who are not able to stand. Some alternatives to consider: “Please make your presence known, in any way you prefer”, “Please let people know where you are, however you are able”, or simply, “Please accept our applause and acknowledgement.”

[Note from the CIE Director: Full disclosure, I recently made this misstep myself, at the end-of-year diversity celebration, no less! My thanks to the colleague who pointed it out with kindness, and my apologies to anyone who may have felt excluded.]

4/7/23

Recognize/learn about heterogeneity within groups. Here at SDSU, we are celebrating Southwest Asian and North African (SWANA) Heritage Month. The term SWANA encompasses a population that the U.S. Census has generally referred to as ‘Arab’ but it is more inclusive of SWANA communities that may not identify as Arab. Similar to many other racial/ethnic categories, there is a great deal of diversity within this community; for example, many Americans equate ‘Arab’ with ‘Muslim’ but according to the American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee (ADC) up to 63 percent of Arab Americans are Christians (35 percent Roman Catholic, 10 percent Protestant and 18 per cent Eastern Orthodox) (Minority Rights Group International). Learning about the differences within these groups can help us refrain from making generalizations that manifest as microaggressions. To learn more about the SWANA community, see the resources in the JEDI Toolkit.

3/24/23

Be proactive in encouraging staff development. Although non-exempt staff may generally request release time with pay or flexible hours to participate in professional development, many are hesitant to even ask because they assume their supervisor will deny the request. Supervisors can support their staff by not only providing this flexibility but proactively encouraging staff to seek out and participate in learning programs (such as next week’s Professional Development Conference!). Staff can see their specific CBA for more information.

3/17/23

Be inclusive by supporting Muslim students and colleagues during Ramadan. Ramadan begins this year on Wednesday, March 22 and continues through April 21, ending in the celebratory Eid al-Fitr. Muslims observe this holy month by fasting from dusk till dawn so may be more tired, particularly at the beginning of the month. See the Center for Intercultural Relations’ Guide to Ramadan for more information and how you can support our Muslim community.

3/10/23

Use gender-inclusive language. Avoid referring to groups with gendered terms like ‘men and women’, ‘ladies and gentlemen’, or ‘you guys’. Some alternatives: everyone (“Hello everyone!”); y’all / you all; friends / colleagues, or simply nothing (“Good morning!”). See the JEDI Toolkit page on gender-inclusive language for more suggestions and resources.

3/3/23

Be identity-conscious. In contrast to being 'color blind, being identity-conscious promotes inclusion by acknowledging that our students and colleagues may have very different experiences from us, and those experiences are often tied to their social identities (i.e., race, gender, sexual orientation, nationality, first-gen status, etc.). When we claim not to “see difference”, what we usually are really doing is dismissing and invalidating the lived experience of those who are different.

2/24/23

Be inclusive by sharing your pronouns when you introduce yourself (including adding them to name tags). This can be as simple as “I’m Jennifer, she/her”. It will likely require conscious effort for a while until this feels more natural. If you do not know or have not had an opportunity to ask someone’s pronouns, best practice is to use the inclusive “they” or a person’s name until confirming with the individual. For more information, see the article, What are personal pronouns and why do they matter?

2/17/23

Be more inclusive by periodically analyzing your online presence (websites, social media, etc.). Take a close look at your department website and social media accounts and imagine you are visiting them for the first time. Which groups would ‘see themselves’ in the images, text? How accessible are those sites for those with disabilities (mobile, visual, hearing, learning) or for whom English is a second language? In general, do the website and posts reflect a commitment to creating a welcoming environment for all?

2/10/23

Be more inclusive by periodically analyzing your physical environment. Take a close look around your office - including decor, layout, flyers and other materials - and imagine you are coming into the space for the first time. Which groups would ‘see themselves’ in the space? How accessible is the space for those with disabilities (mobile, visual, hearing, learning) or for whom English is a second language? In general, does the space reflect a commitment to creating a welcoming environment for all?

2/3/23

Interrupt bias by making the invisible visible (or the unspoken spoken). One reason that certain microaggressions are so common is that the people committing the microaggressions are never made aware that their behavior may be problematic. Given that more and more members of the campus community are now at least somewhat familiar with the concepts of implicit bias and microaggressions, allies can support those being microaggressed by simply identifying the microaggression for what it is (“That’s a microaggression”) but if that feels too confrontational, you can also make implicit biases more visible through questions (“Can you clarify what you mean?” “Do you realize your tone implies you are surprised she is so smart?”) or addressing assumptions (“I think that applies to everyone, not just women” “Not everyone who identifies as Latinx speaks Spanish”). See Derald Wing Sue’s Microintervention Toolkit for many more examples.

1/27/23

Be relational by supporting students and colleagues from targeted communities. The recent events in Monterey Park are only the latest in a long string of violent incidents targeting Asian and Asian American communities, and similar incidents have targeted other communities around the country. These are often rooted in hate and bias, but even when they are not, the communities impacted are still left living with grief and fear. Allies should not ignore when these events happen, whether on campus or elsewhere in the country. Simply acknowledging that something has happened and that students and colleagues may have been impacted can be an important signal of your support. See the CIE’s resource page for more specific suggestions.

1/20/23

Be more inclusive by working with students who need accommodations. When students have documentation from the Student Ability Success Center (SASC) about specific needs, instructors have a legal and ethical obligation to provide those accommodations. Furthermore, the Senate Policy File states, “To the extent possible, the University shall provide course material that is accessible to all persons regardless of disability.” See the JEDI Toolkit page on Being Accessible with students for guidance and advice to ensure you are supporting ALL students.

1/13/23

Do not schedule major events, exams, etc. on religious holidays and other important observances. Now, before the start of the semester, is a particularly good time to check the dates of major religious holidays and other important dates for marginalized communities. Instructors should avoid these dates for exams and other major assignment deadlines; all faculty and staff should try to avoid these dates for major campus events.

Fall 2022

12/9/22

Stay aware of who is doing “glue work”, i.e., the often under-recognized work that contributes to a more cohesive community. Does your department have a holiday gathering? Who organizes it? How is that decided? It is not uncommon for this work to be done by women or colleagues from marginalized communities. Even if they volunteer willingly, allies should ensure that such work is recognized and rewarded.

12/2/22

Be more inclusive by using the microphone (literally). How often have you addressed a group (whether as a presenter or as a member of the audience), been offered a microphone for amplification, and waved it off, saying something along the lines of, “Oh, I don’t need it, I’ve got a really loud voice”? The problem with this scenario is that while YOU may not feel you need it, there very likely may be someone ELSE in the space who does need you to use it, but who may not feel comfortable saying so. Aside from helping those with hearing impairments, using amplification can also assist those who may not be native speakers.

11/18/22

Use more inclusive language by referring to Native communities appropriately. We are at a time of the year when we are more likely to hear the term ‘Indian’ used to refer to Indigenous peoples. This term is generally traced to Christopher Columbus who, upon landing in Northern America, believed he had arrived in "the Indies". Because of this connection to colonization, many Native people avoid this term. Instead, when referring to a specific individual or group, it is better practice to learn their tribal affiliation. As is often the case with group identities, individuals may have different preferences about what term they personally prefer so it is always best to ask if possible. See this site for more information, or the Toolkit page about inclusive language more generally.

11/4/22

Support professional development of staff. There are more opportunities than ever for staff to learn about creating more equitable and inclusive work environments. Non-exempt staff may generally request release time with pay or flexible hours to attend these programs, and supervisors can support campus DEI efforts by providing this flexibility. Staff can see their specific CBA for more information.

10/28/22

Empower colleagues by paying attention and giving them space. It is not uncommon for colleagues from marginalized backgrounds to be ignored or interrupted in meetings. If you notice this happening, use your own power to give them the floor: “X, did you want to finish your thought?” “I’m not sure X was finished - X, could you continue your thought?” “I’d like to return to X’s point; X, could you repeat what you said earlier?” “That’s an interesting idea, and one that I believe X was trying to get at earlier. X, could you expand on your idea?” See the CIE Facilitator Guide for Diversity Conversations for additional suggestions.

10/21/22

Make inequities more visible by disaggregating data. An important practice of equity-minded practitioners is to analyze data for different groups to ensure that gaps are not being masked in overall averages. For example, the CSU’s Graduation Initiative 2025 asks campuses to not only look at overall graduation rates but at rates specifically for students from underrepresented groups in comparison to non-URM students. Similarly, when assessing any program outcomes, all colleges, divisions and departments should investigate whether those outcomes vary across different groups. See this Toolkit page for more information about disaggregating data.

10/14/22

Show support by checking in. There have been heavy local and global events that have occurred in the past couple of weeks such as the the murder of Mahsa Amin in Iran and the protests over women’s rights and gender-related violence that have followed. Reaching out to friends, family, and colleagues who may have been impacted by distressing events can be a form of compassion, allyship, and support to let them know they are not invisible and that they matter. Just keep in mind that people may have different ways to process, and there is no one right way to go about it. For additional information, see the CIE’s webpage on what to do when hate happens.

10/7/22

Use more inclusive language by avoiding negative metaphors. The first week of October is Mental Illness Awareness Week so it is a good time to consider the ways in which our language can stigmatize mental health. When we use words like ‘crazy’, ‘insane’ or ‘deranged’, it is typically to characterize a person or situation in a negative or derogatory light. This perpetuates stereotypes and inequities for those with mental illness. The next time you hear yourself or others using these terms, consider alternatives that are more direct descriptions, such as ‘wild’, ‘strange’, ‘outrageous’, etc. See the Rolling Explorer for additional alternatives for “crazy”, “insane” or “deranged”, as well as other ableist terms.

9/30/22

Be inclusive by being flexible. Several important holidays celebrated by Jewish people are happening over the next few weeks. Those observing these holidays often abstain from working. On October 5, 2022, those observing Yom Kipur often fast and pray for 25 hours. Additionally Sukkot, Shemini Atzeret, and Simchat Torah are celebrated October 10-16, October 17, and October 18, 2022 respectively. Also, note that Jewish holidays begin at sundown the day before the dates noted above, which could impact people’s work and class schedules.

9/23/22

Learn to pronounce names correctly. Few things make someone feel unwelcome quicker than having their name mispronounced and virtually everyone with a non-Anglo name in the United States has had their name mangled at some point. If you aren’t sure how to pronounce a name, it is best to simply ask, and repeat it back to the person. There are also a number of online tools that can help you practice. See these additional strategies and resources.

9/16/22

Reduce defensiveness by using AND instead of BUT. One of the challenges of allyship is dealing with resistance from those who may be less aware of their bias and privilege. Using the word AND in most of the cases where you often might use the word BUT can be a gentle way to remind people that everyone has different experiences, many different things can be true at the same time, and providing a different view does not necessarily mean you are disagreeing or invalidating their view. For example, “I agree that instructors should have the freedom to discuss any topic they feel is relevant to their course, even if controversial, AND there are ways to hold that discussion without harming students.”

9/9/22

Challenge assumptions about what is ‘appropriate behavior’. The next time someone (including yourself) refers to something as ‘appropriate/inappropriate’ or ‘professional/unprofessional’ or simply ‘normal/not normal’, take a minute to interrogate that judgment. Where does it come from? How is it impacting your opinion of the person involved? Often, our ideas of what is ‘appropriate’ or ‘normal’ are based on the expectations of majority culture or historical trends; these may have little to do with a person’s ability to do a job or task effectively but still influence our judgments.

9/2/22

Use fonts that are easy to read. Perhaps one of the simplest ways to be more inclusive is to make sure that anyone can easily read your emails and other digital communications. In general, sans serif fonts are the easiest to read; Verdana is considered the most accessible and is used on many accessibility websites. See these additional recommendations for fonts, and more information about digital accessibility overall.

8/26/22

Interrupt bias by asking a question. When someone says something that reflects bias, such as a microaggression, it is important to intervene; even if you aren’t able to mitigate the harm much, you can try to stop it from continuing and signal to others that you recognize harm has been done. A gentle way to do this is to ask, “Can you repeat that?” or “I’m not sure I understand - can you clarify?” Sometimes simply stopping and hearing themselves will cause someone to recognize what might be problematic in what they have said. [here’s more information on managing challenging conversations]